I was walking from my car to my apartment last night and along the way happened to be mauled by a gang of pixies which had temporarily set up residence in the piles and piles of junk left outside the front of my block. They managed to steal my wallet but luckily the odd lesson I had in kung-fu had payed off and I managed to escape into my front door before any serious damage happened.
I now live in fear of leaving the house so I have set up camp. I figured that I have enough food to last me for about 3 and a half days and after that I will assume my extreme hunger will take over and things which I normally would not class as food will satisfy me. I am also in the middle of a very aggressive letter to the head of the garbage collection department demanding that security be employed in every street when it is council pick up time as to ensure the safety of all residents from pixies. It would be unethical not too.
A sudden obsession of vampires took over the world when a real life turned book series turned movie entered the lives of teenage girls (and some boys) everywhere. I succumbed to the reading of the books and managed to complete all four in under 7 minutes due partly to its child-like text and also due to my passion for EXTREME reading where you yell the book in your head at an escalated speed skipping most paragraphs and sometimes chapters. After finishing the books I decided to write a shortened version for those out there interested enough to want to know about the story but not interested enough to actually waste time reading the books. Here is twilight in less than 60 seconds.
Bella has the personality of a wet rag. She meets Edward who is shiny like a Christmas decoration and he decides not to kill her with his withering stares of death.
Bella occasionally looks like she is going to vomit. This could be either from fear or her horrible cooking.
Edward loves Bella. Bella loves Edward.
They go flying through trees like spider monkeys crossed with superman. Bad vampires die, good vampires live.
Wolves howl at moon.
Bella is now similar to a Christmas decoration like Edward.
Stephanie Meyers high fives her publishers for ripping off the entire world by selling cat vomit and disguising it as a book.
Evidence A People who watch/read twilight generally tend to be of the following mental capacity
Last night I was watching the television because my laptop had decided to play hide and seek without telling me. I’m lucky enough to own my own television which stops me from having to come up with things to do. Once I didn’t have a television or a laptop so I decided to play scrabble, unfortunately I didn’t have anyone to play with so I played against myself and lost which is strange because you’d think I’d have a good chance of winning.
The ads are my favourite part of television viewing because they’re more relatable to my life as opposed to watching neighbours where some trashy kid knocked up his girlfriend who later died but seemed to be over it within a week and managed to get a new girlfriend who is a dancer and probably pretty good in the bedroom. Anyway, to my surprise Mazda have a new advertisement out about how amazing their cars are and how much you should buy them over other brands. A good strategy indeed as I do in fact need a car that can easily and skilfully dodge a giant lizard from the ancient dinosaur times when it breaks through the road in front of my car. Life threatening situation somehow subdued all thanks to my life protecting vehicle by Mazda. Genius! I was a little upset that I hadn’t gone into marketing and worked for Mazda and come up with the idea myself so I spent the rest of the night sulking on the couch listening to Whitney Houston.
Irrelevant to the entire above blog here is an ad I find enjoyable and I sometimes wish that my imaginary boyfriend looked like this guy.
Con: This could be an illusion considering my flatmate is equally, if not more, insane than I am
The other day I decided that professional hip-hopping was for me so I put Bunny Holidays “Teach me how to bunny” on repeat and did rotational things with the top and bottom halves of my body. I was learning the bunny when my flatmate decided it was time to go bike riding. I had previously looked out the window when one of my hip rolls went over the top lunging me toward the balcony where I was able to glance at the sky and notice it was raining. Odd that she would decide to bike ride in the rain, but my concern was not with her it was with my new career as a professional hip-hopper. My focus was back on my bunny and I managed to get in my groove only to be suddenly interrupted by the feeling of rubber on my shins. Indeed, my fanatical flatmate had decided that her bike ride (considering the weather) would be best to keep inside even though our apartment wasn’t even big enough to swing a dead cat without tearing down our Paper-Mache-strength walls. Alas, that was not to deter her and she proceeded with the bike riding. It wasn’t so much bike riding as it was bike balancing because there was no room to pedal forwards or even turn around. All things considered she was pretty good at bike balancing so I have urged her to phone the Guinness book of world records so we can make a fortune and buy a life time supply of snack packs. I love snack packs.
I was listening to the radio a few weeks back now and heard that Hamish Blake has recently become a single man. Now, as a single woman I see it only logical that he and I meet for dinner and fall deeply in love. It is not asking much of him and I do not understand why he and I couldn’t be soul mates.
Here is a list of things Hammy and I have in common. I have decided to affectionately refer to him as Hammy because that’s normal protocol for lovers to give cute nick names to each other. He would probably call me cutie pie.
Number One: We are both incredibly good looking
Letter B: I am hilarious beyond measure and he is hilarious by profession
Section i: There is a power beyond my control that wills us to be together. I call this power the Universe.
Finally: He loves me evident by this letter he sent me
I was looking on the internet to buy stuff with all of the money I have. I found this site and I think its one of the best shopping websites around. It definitely gives ebay a run for its money because it has everything on it that you could possibly want. For ten dollars I just purchased a one off original print of the sky by David Horvitz. I don’t think I could have spent ten dollars any better.
Ps. I just ate really spicy noodles and I could probably breathe fire over everybody. That would be super cool just as long as my eye brows didn’t burn off.
Last week I was sick with self diagnosed Typhoid Fever. The nurses seemed to think it had something to do with my tonsils, but they forget that I am incredibly smart which means I know more than them. I do not have a degree in anything because I feel that if I went to University that people would be intimidated by my brilliance and I would be isolated and banned from attending student get-togethers and other fun activities which would leave me emotionally scarred and damaged for the remainder of my life on earth.
But contrary to what I think the nurses have decided that my tonsils should come out. I have been researching ways of being able to do this myself, but as it seems it must be done by another party. Dr. Flippidyflobbidy*is the selected genius to remove them and I see it only fair that if he gets to take them out then I get to keep them in a jar by my bed. They’ll be like garlic to vampires, but they’ll repel sand monsters. Considering I live near the beach I feel that a Sand Monster is more likely to attack than vampires, so it’s inevitable that tonsils should be kept beside my bed to scare them off.
* Name changed due to privacy issues
This video seemed appropriate at the time of having Typhoid fever because i thought i was going to die hence the end of the world. ze world. it wouldnt let me make it smaller. i even fiddled with the code....i think its cursed.
Quilliant. Brilliant by quill. A little look at life through violet coloured specs where up is down and left is the side where you should put your box of things (thank you beyonce). I write my blogs with a quill and a scroll and then I use my wizard skills to put it up here for all of my fans.
I don’t really have fans because I haven’t done anything that is fan worthy just yet. But I'm incredibly optimistic and I look forward to the possibility of someone walking up to me in the street and saying “hey, you’re that guy that people know” and then I can say “yes, I am”. So I’d recommend you start becoming fans now so that you can say you loved me from the start so all of your friends will be jealous.
You'll notice a picture of me above this - make sure you look out for me.
