I was walking from my car to my apartment last night and along the way happened to be mauled by a gang of pixies which had temporarily set up residence in the piles and piles of junk left outside the front of my block. They managed to steal my wallet but luckily the odd lesson I had in kung-fu had payed off and I managed to escape into my front door before any serious damage happened.
I now live in fear of leaving the house so I have set up camp. I figured that I have enough food to last me for about 3 and a half days and after that I will assume my extreme hunger will take over and things which I normally would not class as food will satisfy me. I am also in the middle of a very aggressive letter to the head of the garbage collection department demanding that security be employed in every street when it is council pick up time as to ensure the safety of all residents from pixies. It would be unethical not too.
A sudden obsession of vampires took over the world when a real life turned book series turned movie entered the lives of teenage girls (and some boys) everywhere. I succumbed to the reading of the books and managed to complete all four in under 7 minutes due partly to its child-like text and also due to my passion for EXTREME reading where you yell the book in your head at an escalated speed skipping most paragraphs and sometimes chapters. After finishing the books I decided to write a shortened version for those out there interested enough to want to know about the story but not interested enough to actually waste time reading the books. Here is twilight in less than 60 seconds.
Bella has the personality of a wet rag. She meets Edward who is shiny like a Christmas decoration and he decides not to kill her with his withering stares of death.
Bella occasionally looks like she is going to vomit. This could be either from fear or her horrible cooking.
Edward loves Bella. Bella loves Edward.
They go flying through trees like spider monkeys crossed with superman. Bad vampires die, good vampires live.
Wolves howl at moon.
Bella is now similar to a Christmas decoration like Edward.
Stephanie Meyers high fives her publishers for ripping off the entire world by selling cat vomit and disguising it as a book.
Evidence A People who watch/read twilight generally tend to be of the following mental capacity
Last night I was watching the television because my laptop had decided to play hide and seek without telling me. I’m lucky enough to own my own television which stops me from having to come up with things to do. Once I didn’t have a television or a laptop so I decided to play scrabble, unfortunately I didn’t have anyone to play with so I played against myself and lost which is strange because you’d think I’d have a good chance of winning.
The ads are my favourite part of television viewing because they’re more relatable to my life as opposed to watching neighbours where some trashy kid knocked up his girlfriend who later died but seemed to be over it within a week and managed to get a new girlfriend who is a dancer and probably pretty good in the bedroom. Anyway, to my surprise Mazda have a new advertisement out about how amazing their cars are and how much you should buy them over other brands. A good strategy indeed as I do in fact need a car that can easily and skilfully dodge a giant lizard from the ancient dinosaur times when it breaks through the road in front of my car. Life threatening situation somehow subdued all thanks to my life protecting vehicle by Mazda. Genius! I was a little upset that I hadn’t gone into marketing and worked for Mazda and come up with the idea myself so I spent the rest of the night sulking on the couch listening to Whitney Houston.
Irrelevant to the entire above blog here is an ad I find enjoyable and I sometimes wish that my imaginary boyfriend looked like this guy.
Con: This could be an illusion considering my flatmate is equally, if not more, insane than I am
The other day I decided that professional hip-hopping was for me so I put Bunny Holidays “Teach me how to bunny” on repeat and did rotational things with the top and bottom halves of my body. I was learning the bunny when my flatmate decided it was time to go bike riding. I had previously looked out the window when one of my hip rolls went over the top lunging me toward the balcony where I was able to glance at the sky and notice it was raining. Odd that she would decide to bike ride in the rain, but my concern was not with her it was with my new career as a professional hip-hopper. My focus was back on my bunny and I managed to get in my groove only to be suddenly interrupted by the feeling of rubber on my shins. Indeed, my fanatical flatmate had decided that her bike ride (considering the weather) would be best to keep inside even though our apartment wasn’t even big enough to swing a dead cat without tearing down our Paper-Mache-strength walls. Alas, that was not to deter her and she proceeded with the bike riding. It wasn’t so much bike riding as it was bike balancing because there was no room to pedal forwards or even turn around. All things considered she was pretty good at bike balancing so I have urged her to phone the Guinness book of world records so we can make a fortune and buy a life time supply of snack packs. I love snack packs.
I was listening to the radio a few weeks back now and heard that Hamish Blake has recently become a single man. Now, as a single woman I see it only logical that he and I meet for dinner and fall deeply in love. It is not asking much of him and I do not understand why he and I couldn’t be soul mates.
Here is a list of things Hammy and I have in common. I have decided to affectionately refer to him as Hammy because that’s normal protocol for lovers to give cute nick names to each other. He would probably call me cutie pie.
Number One: We are both incredibly good looking
Letter B: I am hilarious beyond measure and he is hilarious by profession
Section i: There is a power beyond my control that wills us to be together. I call this power the Universe.
Finally: He loves me evident by this letter he sent me
I was looking on the internet to buy stuff with all of the money I have. I found this site and I think its one of the best shopping websites around. It definitely gives ebay a run for its money because it has everything on it that you could possibly want. For ten dollars I just purchased a one off original print of the sky by David Horvitz. I don’t think I could have spent ten dollars any better.
Ps. I just ate really spicy noodles and I could probably breathe fire over everybody. That would be super cool just as long as my eye brows didn’t burn off.
Last week I was sick with self diagnosed Typhoid Fever. The nurses seemed to think it had something to do with my tonsils, but they forget that I am incredibly smart which means I know more than them. I do not have a degree in anything because I feel that if I went to University that people would be intimidated by my brilliance and I would be isolated and banned from attending student get-togethers and other fun activities which would leave me emotionally scarred and damaged for the remainder of my life on earth.
But contrary to what I think the nurses have decided that my tonsils should come out. I have been researching ways of being able to do this myself, but as it seems it must be done by another party. Dr. Flippidyflobbidy*is the selected genius to remove them and I see it only fair that if he gets to take them out then I get to keep them in a jar by my bed. They’ll be like garlic to vampires, but they’ll repel sand monsters. Considering I live near the beach I feel that a Sand Monster is more likely to attack than vampires, so it’s inevitable that tonsils should be kept beside my bed to scare them off.
* Name changed due to privacy issues
This video seemed appropriate at the time of having Typhoid fever because i thought i was going to die hence the end of the world. ze world. it wouldnt let me make it smaller. i even fiddled with the code....i think its cursed.
I want to buy a camera that is one of those SLR ones that professional people use. I went to buy one today but all I could hear was five thousand dollars so I hopped back on my dolphin and dove home. I only wanted to have one so I could take pictures of things at random angles and sell them for hundreds of dollars on the internet because I would tell people that I'm an artist. I’d wear a tattered beanie in summer and rip my jeans so that people would believe I was an artist. Occasionally I would spatter paint on my fingers so it looked like I had just been in my studio painting canvases.
One of my hobbies that I use to fill my hours of spare time is facebook fanning. This is where I join hilarious fan pages to keep myself softly chuckling. Recently I joined a group about Tom Riddle titled “I hate it when I try to write in my diary and Tom Riddle writes back”. Considering Harry Potter is one of my favourite children’s novels I aim to join as many Harry Potter fan pages and groups as possible for example I joined the group “Harry Potter is a bit unrealistic, I mean a red head with two friends?” and “Fuck the war in Iraq, we have to catch Voldemort”. I join these groups for two reasons, the first being hilarity and the second being the fact that these are real issues and if someone doesn’t get behind them we’re all going to die. That’s probably a bit extreme...but I live in Harry Potter world because I am a wizard. When I’m home alone I do magic and levitate things to myself. My best friend is Edward Cullen because whats the point in being a celebrity wizard if you don’t have magical celebrity friends?
I wrote this blog by imagining it onto my computer screen.
A friend of mine recently sent me an email with a link to a whole lot of pictures of the world’s ugliest animals. There were 15 in total but I feel that 15 is cutting it short considering that they did not even mention Keanu Reeves. In my opinion, which is probably the only opinion that matters, Keanu or Canoe is worthy of getting to at least number 2 on that list. Canoe is famous for his leather wearing and thin unflattering eyewear in some film called the Matrix. Canoe is a full time pest but occasionally dabbles in what he likes to call ‘acting’.
When I'm alone, sometimes I like to think about adverts and who came up with them. I especially think about the infomercials we get on Australian television written and acted by Americans or as I like to refer to them, Americanos as they more resemble a pizza topping than a human race. That’s probably a big generalisation but I like to think in food some days and today is that day.
I was watching day time television when I was sick with Asian Bird Flu and my favourite infomercial came on and I found myself wondering about whether the Kankles product was the product for me. I mean, my ankles are seemingly fine at this current moment but with bad circulation and my inevitable ageing, could this be a preventative measure? My idea was pure genius and coming from someone of my intellect, not surprising. So tomorrow I am going to order one and hope that it comes quickly because with all this excitement I'm beginning to get fluid retention south of my shins.
Here is a scientific picture of what people with kankles are like and what people without kankles are like. I feel it helps justify my decision to buy an anti-kankle machine.
I usually have a large list of things to remember written down beside me because I forget a lot of things. Forgetfulness is a disease which I inherited from my cat, Mungo which is frankly unfair as he doesn’t need to remember anything and I occasionally need to remember things. I lost my list of things to remember and had to start a new one which involved remembering the things which were on the original list of things which I had to remember. I’d like to officially blame my flatmates Pomeranian on the misplacing of the list as Pomeranians are known to be the slyest of the dog family and when I asked him where he was on Tuesday last week he said it was none of my business.
I forgot majority of the things I needed to remember aside from buying 100 straws to eventually join together to form the world’s longest straw and cat food, but I did also manage to remember earth hour. Unfortunately I remembered Earth Hour the day after it was scheduled and I felt sitting in darkness for an hour when it’s not a world-wide event lent itself more to loneliness than helpfulness. So I'm comprising a list of things I can do which would be equally as beneficial without being alone in the dark.
So far I have come up with the followingtree-hugging earth-saving world-lovingoptions:
1)Australia has been in drought for a long time and even though it’s now flooding I’m still not convinced we’re out of our dry spell. By putting my clothes in the freezer when they are dirty the smell is eradicated. It will get slightly annoying when I need to get to the contents of my freezer, and I'm sure my flatmate is going to eventually notice that the ice cream has been replaced with old knickers and dirty socks but until that day, it remains a good deed for the earth.
2)I like trees and I think that if I try and save trees that I’ll be happy and the earth will be happy so I am going to carry my computer with me everywhere to avoid using post it notes and other things made from trees. I’ll have to manually type out my receipts before the cashier prints them but I'm all about helping trees.
3)I didn’t really have any more ideas
4)...
I’ll keep thinking of ideas, but for now I just want to officially apologise to the Earth for forgetting about you. I'm sincerely sorry and I can assure you my cat feels terrible for giving me forgetfulness.
There is this undefined title that appears to be going on when I post my blogs. I don’t know how to fix it. So until I can fix it I will forever be undefinable. I feel this is a good thing. I'm a cube in a round hole. I like to think of myself as Bondi. I'm different, just like everybody else. Trend-i.
People sometimes ask me who my hero is and usually I say something like Superman or Albert Einstein because thinking of anyone else would prove to be complicated and probably a waste of 30 seconds of my mind power. It just came to me the other day though who I would say now and I didn’t even think about it once. Well I thought about it once for about 2 seconds and then I didn’t think about it again until now. So twice.
Carl Barron would be my hero simply because he is hilarious and he gets paid to make people wee a little in their pants. The other day when I was using the lounge as a rowing machine I decided to put on Carl Barron to make it more enjoyable. It went from dry rowing to slightly moist rowing.
I could tell you about his jokes but that would be plagiarism because I would have to copy them exactly to make them as hilarious as he, so here is a snippet of my hero.
Quilliant. Brilliant by quill. A little look at life through violet coloured specs where up is down and left is the side where you should put your box of things (thank you beyonce). I write my blogs with a quill and a scroll and then I use my wizard skills to put it up here for all of my fans.
I don’t really have fans because I haven’t done anything that is fan worthy just yet. But I'm incredibly optimistic and I look forward to the possibility of someone walking up to me in the street and saying “hey, you’re that guy that people know” and then I can say “yes, I am”. So I’d recommend you start becoming fans now so that you can say you loved me from the start so all of your friends will be jealous.
You'll notice a picture of me above this - make sure you look out for me.
